Salvaging and Salvation

Fuck You... That's what I want to say to everyone... Fuck. You. I am absolutely furious of the comments swirling about after the last incident experienced by the police department my husband works for.  I'm so mad, I can't sleep at night, my hands and my entire body will visibly shake I am so angry - and I just can't seem to get past it. About two weeks ago, officers responded to a report of an aggressive "pit-bull" in the neighborhood.  This is a bone of contention for a lot of people because they insist the dog was not vicious OR aggressive because the caller interviewed on television insists he never said that. No one apparently listened to the 911 tapes aired after his interview. The called/respondent said "aggressive". Twice. He called the police. Twice. BOTH TIMES, he described the dog as "aggressive" Unfortunately, VERY unfortunately, officers had to put the dog down. My God, you would think he stole some kid's candy ...

Couples who are close, are carefully attuned to each other. You sense a mood shift before a word is spoken.  I noticed, but didn't pay attention when he went outside to take the call, but I could sense the heaviness settling in his shoulders, see his head lowered, hear the tone of his voice. I couldn't put my finger on it, so subtle it was, but my gut felt it. I was working at my desk when he finally pulled me onto his lap to tell me. The body that was found, his worry over the mental well being of his officers that assisted in the search...  It's a double edged sword for me - I'm not only his wife, I'm his confidante.  Which isn't an issue for me. As his wife, I expect him to be able to share with me, but sometimes, there are things I wish I didn't know.... Nearly a week ago, 10 year old Jessica Ridgeway went missing in Arvada. My husband has some of his officers assisting in the search. Sadly he would share details, what he felt he could anyway - as th...

Salvaging and Salvation: Un Dia, mi madre : My 9 year old daughter identified it before my senses knew what hit them.  I was dropping my girls off to spend the night with my mom and......

My 9 year old daughter identified it before my senses knew what hit them.  I was dropping my girls off to spend the night with my mom and.... ...you could smell the tortillas from the sidewalk as we stepped out of the car.  Of course, my mom knew we were coming, and she always makes fresh tortillas for her 'hijas'. I sat in her house, idle chit chat like we always do - it is impossible to walk in and out of my mother's house, for she has to share everything that's happened in her day, or past days, or something she's read, or pass on what so and so said - inevitably, what should take a few minutes lasts at least 30.  Today she shared about the old neighbors she saw at a fellow neighbors funeral. As I was leaving, pulling my car down the street I've driven down thousands of times, (this is the only house I ever lived in growing up) I looked at the houses I've looked at all my life and the heart-wrenching realization; my mother is one of 4 people left on...

Salvaging and Salvation: Good and Bad : That's the way my life feels right now.  An epic battle of good vs. evil.  I totally feel like I'm in an episode of 'Star Wars'.  Except in ...

That's the way my life feels right now.  An epic battle of good vs. evil.  I totally feel like I'm in an episode of 'Star Wars'.  Except in my episode we're getting pummeled and about to throw in the towel. And I'm just waiting to see what, if any series of events, will turn the tide in our favor.  It's a book where I cannot skip, and a movie I can't fast forward to the end to see how it's going to turn out. My husband is currently has the title of acting chief of police and he's trying his damnedest to change the culture of a dysfunctional police department. And while he has the support of many officers - it only takes a handful of squeaky wheels to throw a wrench into everything. It takes at least 5 years to change a culture in a department, and so far, it's only been 8 months and he's being aggressively attacked from every angle without much to protect himself with. I realize this sounds like an exaggeration, but not really for me....

I’m a map and street grid kind of girl.  I don’t do Tom-Tom or GPS.  Give me an address and a map and I’ll find it.  But right now, I’m lost, I have no map, and my internal navigator has no clue what to do... A little over 3 months ago I quit my job, for various reasons. Mainly because, I was tired of what I was doing, I was stuck in a rut.  Secondly, my husband had just been promoted to an extremely demanding job; it seemed like this was a good time to stay home to run a household and look after children.  I saw this as a great opportunity. I still do. An opportunity to figure out who I am and what I want for my life - how many people actually get a chance like this?  I graduated with my bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice in 1994.  For the last 17 to 18 years, all I’ve known is corrections and the judicial system.  I’ve worked in a professional capacity dealing with convicted felons, and all of the rehabilitation, research and evidence b...

It’s about being alone and not giving a shit about anything or anybody, because no one gives a shit about you.  It’s about being so tired of the bull shit, you just want to call it quits, throw in the towel.  It’s having your head repeatedly bashed in that even leaning on the ropes gives no respite. Fuck’em all but 9... I’m behind the ropes, watching from the side of the ring while one I love is just being pummeled. Nothing I can do, no support, no solace, no comfort I give can help.  What’s worse...?  Being beaten up or watching someone you care about being beaten...and not a God damn thing you can do to stop it.  He has to finish this fight - go all 12 rounds so to speak.  I can feel his weariness, I can see the strain of staying focused on his face. I want this fight to be over finally.  Each time the bell rings, a different fighter steps in, like tag teaming... Fuck’em all but 9... I’m so tired, so frustrated, so angry.  I’m tired of s...

My husband just threw his phone across the room... It took him a few minutes to compose himself - before he calmed down enough to tell me.  An Englewood Police Officer, doing a routine traffic stop was struck by a drunk driver while conducting road side maneuvers yesterday during the Memorial Day holiday.  He was taken off life support today and succumbed to his injuries.  He had told me about this officer earlier today, but we only learned of his passing a few minutes ago. My husband and I were out driving to the grocery store, and I became lost in thought about my husband and the other officers he’s worked with over the years and the relationships that must develop in this type of career.  I could only imagine the bonds that are forged, when you are on the streets day after day; day in day out not knowing the risks you’ll encounter during your shift.  It doesn’t even matter if you worked with the officer or not, you know what it’s like every time you go on...

It’s been some time since I’ve written on my blog, but I’ve been wanting to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) about this for sometime.  In this maze I’ve been stuck in since quitting my job, more, and more, I think of the women I have descended from. I love history, almost any type of history, and I’ve done some genealogical research on my own family that usually leads to dead ends; in part because of my heritage which is a combination of Native American and Hispanic.  The Native American piece is difficult to track, because no one in my family seems to know from what tribe these women came from - speculation lends to the belief they were victims of kidnapping by Spaniards that settled in the southern part of Colorado in the late 18th and early 19th century. I don’t come from Mexico, no one in my family does, I can trace my heritage to Colorado about 5 generations, while it was still a territory.  I do know that Spaniards settled in the southern part of the Unit...

My love knows no bounds with this entity that has the capacity to fill me from head to toe. Undoubtedly, if anything inspires, moves, and touches me - it’s music.  The composition of all music, no matter what genre, is comprised of 7 basic notes, that’s all.  Played natural, sharp, or flat, the combination of these notes is infinitesimal - it never sounds the same - I think that is utterly and fantastically amazing. Some of my earliest memories revolve around it, playing in my sister’s room while she played The Eagles, the Doobie Brothers and Linda Ronstadt.  Riding with my brother in his car while he listened to 50’s classics.  Singing was my favorite thing to do as a child.  Then taking up the violin when I was 10.  My father and his brothers all played musical instruments, so I like to believe the inclination was bred in me. It can motivate me during a workout, make me push a little harder.  My body will naturally start to move to practical...

It rocks your world.  I know most everybody out there has flown on a plane before, and experienced turbulence...it’s kind of freaky.  You’re thousands of feet up in the air and and not sure if what you’re experiencing is normal, whether there’s a malfunction with the plane, of if you’re about to go down in flames... Right now my life feels like it’s in a perpetual state of turbulence.  But...isn’t that how our lives go most of the time anyway?  You’ve got your passengers that react (or overreact) with paranoia, extreme fear, there are people who refuse to fly because of it.  I’ve seen people sleep through turbulence, all is right with their world.  I’m sure you see where I’m going with this analogy between flying and living this chaotic mess we know as life. How do you handle your turbulence?  Does it depend on your circumstances, your own coping mechanisms.  What makes some people absolutely freak out about the most minor contrivances, and ot...

My daughter is 15.  Almost 15 and a half.  Ok she’s 15 years, 3 months and 22 days old.  And I’m having a hard time letting her go. Another pet peeve of mine.  People who keep remarking how fast time is flying.  Duh.  It’s supposed to.   That’s what time does, it’s called the natural order of the universe.  I was never one to bemoan watching my kids grow up, that’s what they’re supposed to do.  And honestly, my daughter has been in a sort of depression since her dad and I split up.  Then, she wound up with a benign tumor on her skull the following year.  To add fuel to the fire, when she was 13, I could no longer afford the tuition at the parochial school she’s been attending since kindergarten.  So she got her first taste of real world social girl cattiness in the 8th grade - her first time attending a public school - knocked her on her ass it did. She’s had enough put on her plate these past few years. I’ve noticed she ha...

What do I fear?  Irrationally - the scale.  Loathing is more like it.  I absolutely dread getting on it.  It betrays me, lets me down.  Really it shows I've let myself down.  I guess what it boils down to is I fear failure.  I fear not measuring up (no pun intended), I fear not being good enough.  The scale evokes all of those fears in the blink of an eye.  All of my flaws are laid bare for me to acknowledge and it makes me cringe inside. I had to go to the doctor today because I’ve had issues with a bulging disc in my sacrum and they’re flaring up again.  I refuse to look at the numbers when I get weighed because I get discouraged way too easily.  Well I got a glimpse of those numbers today.  After 5 weeks of eating healthy i.e. 6 small meals, combination of proteins, carbs and vegetables...resulted in nothing. No change in my weight whatsoever. I don’t want to be placated, I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want advice - I just...

It was all over the news yesterday. Junior Seau committed suicide. Facebook posts abounded with the news. A friend of mine posted a picture of one red sad face amongst a sea of yellow smiley faces - the caption read “Suicide. The only way out” He modified it to relay information on a 1-800 number and a link to suicide prevention. Criticisms have followed on both sides - from those who don’t believe suicide is an answer, no matter how bad your life gets to understanding the depression that can lead to it. I don’t know many people who don't, at some point in their lives, reach a place so dark that it feels like the only alternative out of it.  I know I’ve been there.  It’s when desperate sadness just overcomes you.  Yes...I’ve been there.  You either figure out how to deal with it, or you seek help for your depression.  I was granted an opportunity to leave the mess I was living in. There was a time in my life, about 4 years ago, where dying is all I thought o...

I would say the one thing that brings me fear, stops me dead in my tracks, heart pounding kind of fear...is the thought of losing my children. And I’m not just talking about losing them in the final sense of the word, I also mean they’re gone, taken, forever to who knows what sort of fate. Working in the corrections industry for almost 17 years, and having a morbid fascination with serial killers and true crime stories, (the more harrowing, and stomach churning, the more I’m hooked), I’m terrified of someone taking my children away. Realistically, I know this is unlikely - the dirty old man stalking children from his van waiting to lure them or take them away - is really the rarity in this world.  However, it’s the one that gets sensationalized in the media the most.  The reality is, your child is more likely to be perpetrated on by someone they know and trust.  Either way, to imagine the horrors children of abuse have been through...it makes me ill... When my daugh...

Driving.  I’m horrible at it. Okay, not horrible exactly, I just get distracted easily.  With that being said...I’m  awesome at directions and finding places.  No Tom-Tom or GPS in my car - hell no - I’m a map and street grid kind of gal, and proud of it. With that being said, for the first time in my life I’m totally lost...and I’m scared. There, it’s out there, now I have to deal with it. I quit my job recently after too many years of being unhappy and going nowhere.  It was a good job, however, I was no longer challenged, and my boss and I...? Well, let’s just say we had our differences in some respects.  I had been unhappy for awhile and finally reconciled with myself (and my husband after having a meltdown one weekend) that if I want things to change, I’ve got to do it myself.  I must say, making that decision was one of the most liberating and empowering things I’ve ever done.  However...I did not have a back up plan.  I had nothing...

Ok, how did that song by Salt-n-Pepa go...? “Let’s talk about Sex...” yeah, so now you know what this blog will be about and you can safely opt out now. So - I was asked to join a reading group that’s reading “Fifty Shades of Grey”.  It’s been a long time since I’ve read any erotica, and I have to admit I wanted to know what all the fuss was about.  I’ll admit I’m barely half way through the first book, but I have to agree with my friend and fellow blogger Lisa, yes, the writing leaves a bit to be desired.  But the sex scenes...?  Oh my, yes.  One of our fellow group members wondered why this was receiving so much attention.  In my opinion, and no offense please, but there are a lot of repressed women out there, and this is opening up some doors - BIG time. I think most of all this book is wonderfully empowering.  And not because of the subject matter.  There is a lot more to it than just the BDSM, this is about a woman discovering not just he...

6 million...that's how many Jews were killed during the Holocaust.  I know I've heard that number somewhere before in history and documentaries - but it's still a shocking number to think about...SIX MILLION. Wow...we just attended the Anti-Defamation League's 31st Annual Holocaust Remembrance Program at Boettcher Concert hall here in Denver...and, I'm utterly speechless.  That was probably one of the most emotional and inspiring events I've witnessed in a long time.   The Anti-Defamation League was founded in 1913 "to stop the defamation of the Jewish people and to secure justice and fair treatment to all."    April 15-22 2012 was proclaimed Holocaust Remembrance week in Colorado.  The event we attended tonight featured Ela Weissberger, a survivor of the Holocaust.  Her story started at the age of 11, when she was sent to Theresienstadt concentration camp in Czechoslavokia, where the Germans sent many artists, musicians, writers and actors. She spen...

There but for the grace of God go I... I think about this phrase often.  Through social media and the internet - we have become acutely aware of our world, and the people living in it.  We have become privy to personal triumphs and tragedies.  It’s the tragedies the media seems to focus on the most.  Facebook lets us into the personal lives of friends and associates.  I always see someone who has it worse than me.  It makes me keenly aware how blessed I am, and acknowledge everything I have.  I’ve never been homeless, suffered with an addiction (unless you count chocolate, ok yeah, and Facebook) so far I’ve been able to pay my bills (still no job, hoping I figure something out soon), I have my health, my children are safe and well, I have the love and support of my spouse on this new journey I’m on. When I get down on myself, especially now that I’m unemployed, I try to keep these things in the forefront of my mind.  And I always think to my s...

I couldn’t settle on one - I had to do two. What can I say? I absolutely adore people with a good sense of humor. I grew up in a family where you were either teasing or being teased. My father constantly cracked jokes, or would say something silly to make me laugh. I appreciate a sharp wit, I admire someone who can be clever with their vocabulary to say something that makes me break into a grin or better yet a gut busting all out laugh.  I have two nephews, who are about my age, who have made me laugh so hard I stop breathing - I just sat there with my mouth open - nothing coming out.  When I first met my husband, it wasn't his looks I was attracted to, that came later.  He opened his mouth...and I was hooked - he is quick witted - and I love it.  To this day, our fights usually turn into laughter, because he can say or do something to make me laugh and realize whatever we were fighting about, really wasn’t worth it.  I’m much more comfortable around anyone who...

This has been on my mind for quite a while...it’s been all over the news, and any time there’s a feeding frenzy on the news, of course, like everyone else, I’m intrigued.  I’m talking about the shooting of Trayvon Martin. Before I start let me go off on a tangent but it ties in with this - at least in my mind it does - promise.  One of my pet peeves are chain emails.  Particularly the kind that blasts someone-the president, his policies, being American, or UN-American - most of them cite ridiculous facts about utter nonsense.  I know. Because I research every single one of them, most of them are half truths taken out of context. Yet people mindlessly believe what they read and hit “send” in an effort to seem patriotic  and let everyone else know how stupid the (fill in  the blank) is and how much they love God. Everyone jumped on the Trayvon Martin bandwagon with such fervor - it’s disturbing to me how this escalated. It’s a tragedy - I’m not saying it ...

I’m skipping my blogging challenge for now because I just have tho get this off my chest. My daughter, who is 15 years old, the prime age for fragility and insecurities, was given some “advice” today by a boy on basically how she can improve her appearance.  For her sake, I won’t repeat what he said, but as she told me what he said - her voice quivering as those hurtful words poured out, I felt my jaw get closer and closer to the floor.  She told me she couldn’t even respond to him she was in such a state of shock - she just ran to the bathroom and cried. How can anyone  be so insensitive and cruel?  What gives him the right to point out her flaws so arrogantly? She told me up until today - she actually liked the guy - but now? Even if he tried to talk to her again, she doesn’t want anything to do with him.  Supposedly, he tried apologizing later - gee asshole, why don’t you think before you speak? The damage is done. I remember 15 - vividly .  I...

Everybody has difficulty from time to time - or a difficult issue to deal with. It’s life - but sometimes, it can overwhelm, threaten you, drown you.  Currently my own difficulties at times - well - seem insurmountable; being unemployed, trying to figure out what comes next, worrying about my future and finances...but these seem like mere nuisances when I consider what my husband deals with. He is currently the interim Chief of Police at his department - he has plenty of work to do and decisions to make - he knows what to do,  he knows what needs to be done, and he knows it’s the right thing to do, and he’s ready to make those decisions and face whatever comes as a result.  But...unfortunately, it’s just never that simple. Being chief does not mean he gets to call all the shots.  He must balance the needs of his officers, command staff and the city he works for.  And that balance is extraordinarily difficult...because the needs and wants of these 3 beasts just...

What’s the point of a blog if you’re not going to piss people off once in a while? Yep, I did it, I said the ‘C’ word.  There are two topics bound to get the hackles raised on most anybody - politics and religion.  I have nothing against catholics, christians or God - I have something against organized religion. I was born and raised Catholic.  But the older I get, the more I question the notion of organized religion, particularly Catholicism, because it’s what I grew up with.  After commenting on a blog about this subject, another commenter mistook my comments as something against Jesus and his teachings.  Let me make this very clear - again  - I have nothing against God or the teachings of Jesus Christ, I believe in them, I believe they are the foundation for any type of spirituality and in general, just a good way to live your life. Love your God, Love others. Period. It’s religion that gives me heartache...and like I said, I’m focusing on Catholicism be...

B is for Backward...which in my mind, is a good  summation of how I felt growing up.  Everything about me was out of place, awkward, didn’t fit.  Nobody I knew in school had parents as old as mine - other kids often mistook my dad for my grandfather. I’ve always been on the heavy side, my clothes never fit right, my legs are thick and short; to this day I hate trying on pants. I just didn’t look like the other girls. I always felt out of place.  My parents were very sheltering and overprotective, and as a child I was inclined to be introverted and very shy - I never knew what to say to anybody - why would anyone be interested in what I had to say?  Most people are afraid of public speaking, put me in a room full of people I don’t know to socialize and make small talk can instigate just as much fear in me.  I just never felt like I fit in anywhere - so I tended to be a loner. The dynamics of my family attributed to this somewhat.  Being the youngest and...

SO - I have a friend who helped get me started with the blog who is doing this challenge - every day for the month, (or in her case almost every hour), her topic focuses on a letter of the alphabet starting with A.  I’m going to try and meet her challenge and see how many letters I can get through before the end of the month.  Obviously I’m a little behind - so here goes. A is for Angels.  When I think of the letter A this is the first thing that pops into my head.  Perhaps because of my name.  I wholeheartedly believe in Angels.  There is something comforting about the thought of a spiritual presence sent to watch over and protect you - it’s always made me feel better thinking someone or something out there is on my side, helping me or guiding me when necessary.  If you were raised in any sort of religious household, Angels come with the territory.  They are viewed as guardians, protectors, even warriors in the case of the Archangel Michael sen...

So - given this is my first blog, I felt it would be appropriate to explain the title.  It’s about two things: one - obviously, my dad and two the dichotomy that was his life which profoundly impacted mine.  Someone recently told me that the word dichotomy was a good word to describe me - my dual nature - which I share with my dad.  Junkman seems to be such a demeaning title for someone you love dearly and he was so much more than that, but when I think back on my childhood with him, that’s what stands out in my memory.   My parents had me late in life; my mother was 43 my father was 53 - they already raised 4 children and had 4 grandchildren by the time I was born.  At that time he was facing medical retirement, which made it necessary for my mother to go back to work.  For the first time in their marriage, they reversed roles; she became the breadwinner, he became the caretaker.  If you’re familiar at all with Hispanic culture or machismo, you can o...