Good and Bad
That's the way my life feels right now. An epic battle of good vs. evil. I totally feel like I'm in an episode of 'Star Wars'. Except in my episode we're getting pummeled and about to throw in the towel. And I'm just waiting to see what, if any series of events, will turn the tide in our favor. It's a book where I cannot skip, and a movie I can't fast forward to the end to see how it's going to turn out.
My husband is currently has the title of acting chief of police and he's trying his damnedest to change the culture of a dysfunctional police department. And while he has the support of many officers - it only takes a handful of squeaky wheels to throw a wrench into everything. It takes at least 5 years to change a culture in a department, and so far, it's only been 8 months and he's being aggressively attacked from every angle without much to protect himself with.
I realize this sounds like an exaggeration, but not really for me. My husband is dealing on a daily basis with people who are trying to sabotage him and the job he's doing. Twice he's been dragged through the mud in the local city paper, by an anonymous blogger who wants to sling mud over every thing that's ever occurred in his life.
For God's sake, the man isn't perfect, and neither is his past; I don't know a single cop who doesn't have their issues; whether it's alcoholism, drugs, infidelity, entitlement, what ever. There's a reason they have the highest divorce and suicide rates among professionals. PTSD comes with the territory, and these are all classic signs.
But he is a good cop and a good leader. An officer is not awarded the Medal of Valor for nothing, and in his career he has been a SWAT team leader, was present at the Columbine tragedy, has developed community outreach programs, has earned his MBA and graduated from the FBI's National Academy for law enforcement; a prestigious honor you have to be recommended to attend. He has already taken steps to address his own PTSD and deal with his past, but we're talking 25 some years of trauma - he's not going to lay his ghosts to rest overnight. He is a good cop - this I know. But no one seems to give a hoot about any of that and it infuriates me to no end that they focus on his past; dragging it all out into the public eye for everyone to see and judge him by and there's not a gawd-dam thing I can do about it.
There have been days my anger has reached the boiling point and I literally want to cause violence on somebody. In hindsight, I've realized how much of my energy I have wasted at being hateful and angry. Last night for whatever reason that changed.
It dawned on me, I should be praying for those people trying to do him in. Pray that they come to their senses, or realize the harm they are creating. Pray that they will stop hurting our family. Pray that they will find peace in their own life to heal their hurts. But above all, I realized, I need to stop wasting so much of my energy on the hate I am feeling towards them, and pray for healing and hope between us.
The most marvelous of all of God's gifts to us, in my humble opinion, is free will. We have God's love, that's a given. He has already chosen us. It's our choice if we will choose him. Everything that happens in our life is our choice: good and bad. Turn right, and you run into a brick wall, or turn left and you're running into a burning building, or straight ahead and you'll be taking a nose dive off a cliff. Even when you feel you don't have a choice you do. That's the beauty of it all - at a moment's notice, you can choose what you will or won't do, how you will or won't react to a decision, including anyone else's choices. No one can make you feel a certain way. You choose whether you are going to allow someone's decisions impact your life and how you'll feel about it. Period. The ONLY choice we do not have is to turn around and go back to change our decisions once they're made.
I'm trying to reconcile myself with this. I never said it was easy. But once this revelation dawned on me last night - that it's my choice how I let circumstances beyond my control impact me - I felt much more peaceful than I have in a long time, although I'm sure there will be more bad days coming our way in the future.
Nothing ever seems to work out the way you want it to, but from now on, I hope I develop the strength to decide how I feel about it; and to do my best to shield my husband with this hope - and remain steadfast in the belief that something better is waiting for us.
My husband is currently has the title of acting chief of police and he's trying his damnedest to change the culture of a dysfunctional police department. And while he has the support of many officers - it only takes a handful of squeaky wheels to throw a wrench into everything. It takes at least 5 years to change a culture in a department, and so far, it's only been 8 months and he's being aggressively attacked from every angle without much to protect himself with.
I realize this sounds like an exaggeration, but not really for me. My husband is dealing on a daily basis with people who are trying to sabotage him and the job he's doing. Twice he's been dragged through the mud in the local city paper, by an anonymous blogger who wants to sling mud over every thing that's ever occurred in his life.
For God's sake, the man isn't perfect, and neither is his past; I don't know a single cop who doesn't have their issues; whether it's alcoholism, drugs, infidelity, entitlement, what ever. There's a reason they have the highest divorce and suicide rates among professionals. PTSD comes with the territory, and these are all classic signs.
But he is a good cop and a good leader. An officer is not awarded the Medal of Valor for nothing, and in his career he has been a SWAT team leader, was present at the Columbine tragedy, has developed community outreach programs, has earned his MBA and graduated from the FBI's National Academy for law enforcement; a prestigious honor you have to be recommended to attend. He has already taken steps to address his own PTSD and deal with his past, but we're talking 25 some years of trauma - he's not going to lay his ghosts to rest overnight. He is a good cop - this I know. But no one seems to give a hoot about any of that and it infuriates me to no end that they focus on his past; dragging it all out into the public eye for everyone to see and judge him by and there's not a gawd-dam thing I can do about it.
There have been days my anger has reached the boiling point and I literally want to cause violence on somebody. In hindsight, I've realized how much of my energy I have wasted at being hateful and angry. Last night for whatever reason that changed.
It dawned on me, I should be praying for those people trying to do him in. Pray that they come to their senses, or realize the harm they are creating. Pray that they will stop hurting our family. Pray that they will find peace in their own life to heal their hurts. But above all, I realized, I need to stop wasting so much of my energy on the hate I am feeling towards them, and pray for healing and hope between us.
The most marvelous of all of God's gifts to us, in my humble opinion, is free will. We have God's love, that's a given. He has already chosen us. It's our choice if we will choose him. Everything that happens in our life is our choice: good and bad. Turn right, and you run into a brick wall, or turn left and you're running into a burning building, or straight ahead and you'll be taking a nose dive off a cliff. Even when you feel you don't have a choice you do. That's the beauty of it all - at a moment's notice, you can choose what you will or won't do, how you will or won't react to a decision, including anyone else's choices. No one can make you feel a certain way. You choose whether you are going to allow someone's decisions impact your life and how you'll feel about it. Period. The ONLY choice we do not have is to turn around and go back to change our decisions once they're made.
I'm trying to reconcile myself with this. I never said it was easy. But once this revelation dawned on me last night - that it's my choice how I let circumstances beyond my control impact me - I felt much more peaceful than I have in a long time, although I'm sure there will be more bad days coming our way in the future.
Nothing ever seems to work out the way you want it to, but from now on, I hope I develop the strength to decide how I feel about it; and to do my best to shield my husband with this hope - and remain steadfast in the belief that something better is waiting for us.
I'm so sorry you guys are STILL going through this nonsense, but so proud of C for forging ahead, and you for finding a healthier path. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help!
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