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The girl in my head....

I started writing this blog roughly 6 years ago. I was looking to fill up some time as I just quit my job to support my husband who was promoted to Interim Chief of Police. Our lives were turned upside down when he took the position. Political controversy, lack of support from city government, lack of support from officers led my husband to clinical depression and almost caused him to lose his life, not to mention his career. I, in turn, sat by helpless. I was powerless to help him. At first I enabled the drinking. Then I got saddened by the drinking, until finally I got fed up with it and called 911 for his own safety. We've had a long recovery road since that day - February 6, 2013. I never finished this issue of my blog. Things must have fallen apart around this time. 6 years later, I've hit a bump in my life. A friend reached out to support me and suggested I return to writing. So, I returned to see where I left off. Upon reading my words, my heart filled with sorrow for
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Confessions of a broken hearted dreamer...

How long does it take...? I started this blog about a year ago. A year ago I was excited then about what lie ahead of me (interesting word "lie" especially in this context).  I was hoping then to figure out what I really want to do, I was excited about my prospects. Since then everything has fallen apart for me - I'm hopeless right now. I had quit my job hoping to discover what I really wanted to do. At the time my husband had just taken an interim appointment as Chief of police. We were excited about what the future held for us. In the course of a year, it feels like we've been beaten to a bloody pulp. The demands and stress of his job nearly took his life and ended our marriage. In his words "I hit bottom and started to dig". I have been without a job for over a year. The part time contract position I had held working for a software company did not work out, partly because my personal life had fallen apart, it also just didn't feel like the right
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Is there anything wrong with "just happy"

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Bombardment My life over the last year has been a series of dodging land mines and sidestepping obstacles. It was a rough ride for sure - in every sense that you can possibly imagine - from careers, kids, my marriage - I wasn't at all sure we would make it. Much of it is behind me now. My life is taking on some semblance of normalcy. My husband is finally freed from the toxicity of a corrupt police department, I am finally employed again, we are actually looking forward to a future. And making plans to have one together doesn't seem so farfetched anymore. No matter what stage I'm at in my life - one question has constantly plagued me: "Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Am I on the path God intended for ME?" If there's anything that matters to me, it is this mantra; it is my constant prayer; my incessant hope...am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I read a blog about having a career and motherhood today that seemed reminded me of m
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Even soldiers have to come home...

My husband has uttered these words more than once these last few weeks... He is presently contemplating starting the process to file for his disability; effectively ending a law enforcement career he has had for about 26 years. That's a lifetime. A lifetime of service.  A lifetime of putting his life on the line for others. A lifetime of sacrifice - his physical and mental well-being are now at stake. Part of the process involves documenting when his condition started. Who knows...it could have been 6 weeks on the job, his first officer involved shooting - he was just a rookie in Columbus, Mississippi, he hadn't even been through the police academy yet. It could have been any one of a number of homicide investigations that he was involved in - there are  countless of them. He admitted to me one day, he tried to count how many there actually were...he couldn't.  He could remember the name of every victim, but had no idea how many. I actually read the police report
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Vilified...

Fuck You... That's what I want to say to everyone... Fuck. You. I am absolutely furious of the comments swirling about after the last incident experienced by the police department my husband works for.  I'm so mad, I can't sleep at night, my hands and my entire body will visibly shake I am so angry - and I just can't seem to get past it. About two weeks ago, officers responded to a report of an aggressive "pit-bull" in the neighborhood.  This is a bone of contention for a lot of people because they insist the dog was not vicious OR aggressive because the caller interviewed on television insists he never said that. No one apparently listened to the 911 tapes aired after his interview. The called/respondent said "aggressive". Twice. He called the police. Twice. BOTH TIMES, he described the dog as "aggressive" Unfortunately, VERY unfortunately, officers had to put the dog down. My God, you would think he stole some kid's candy
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There are things I wish I didn't know

Couples who are close, are carefully attuned to each other. You sense a mood shift before a word is spoken.  I noticed, but didn't pay attention when he went outside to take the call, but I could sense the heaviness settling in his shoulders, see his head lowered, hear the tone of his voice. I couldn't put my finger on it, so subtle it was, but my gut felt it. I was working at my desk when he finally pulled me onto his lap to tell me. The body that was found, his worry over the mental well being of his officers that assisted in the search...  It's a double edged sword for me - I'm not only his wife, I'm his confidante.  Which isn't an issue for me. As his wife, I expect him to be able to share with me, but sometimes, there are things I wish I didn't know.... Nearly a week ago, 10 year old Jessica Ridgeway went missing in Arvada. My husband has some of his officers assisting in the search. Sadly he would share details, what he felt he could anyway - as th
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Salvaging and Salvation: Un Dia, mi madre

Salvaging and Salvation: Un Dia, mi madre : My 9 year old daughter identified it before my senses knew what hit them.  I was dropping my girls off to spend the night with my mom and......
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