Confessions of a broken hearted dreamer...
How long does it take...?
I started this blog about a year ago. A year ago I was excited then about what lie ahead of me (interesting word "lie" especially in this context). I was hoping then to figure out what I really want to do, I was excited about my prospects. Since then everything has fallen apart for me - I'm hopeless right now.
I had quit my job hoping to discover what I really wanted to do. At the time my husband had just taken an interim appointment as Chief of police. We were excited about what the future held for us.
In the course of a year, it feels like we've been beaten to a bloody pulp. The demands and stress of his job nearly took his life and ended our marriage. In his words "I hit bottom and started to dig". I have been without a job for over a year. The part time contract position I had held working for a software company did not work out, partly because my personal life had fallen apart, it also just didn't feel like the right fit for me. My husband is in the process of filing for disability, we are on the brink of financial ruin, I will be without health insurance shortly. This is the condensed version of course, so many other things have happened that I just can't discuss.
I'm usually one to find inspiration in words:
When one door closes another opens; always follow your dreams; things will work out; if you don't get what you prayed for it's because God is holding out the best for you.
I'm tired of the rhetoric...
It certainly no longer feels that way to me.
I don't like people who complain, and I'm trying hard to avoid that - but I have more days of wanting to give up than to wake up and fight through another day.
...it's not like having a bad day where the car won't start, I was late to work, I owe on my taxes, etc. - no, not stuff like that. What I'm talking about during the last year was infinitesimally difficult...in every way you can imagine. My husband's career went through the ringer - it ruined him - and us. I almost lost him. For good.
I'm faltering. Every last ounce of faith has been wiped out of me. I try to maintain my hope something good will happen, but....
I feel really old...I look it too, when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize the face I see. It troubles me so much...
So what to do. Well, I try to be thankful. Sometimes that works. I'm thankful for the sobriety my husband has maintained - almost 11 weeks. His drinking was compromising my happiness and our relationship - I know I would rather be dirt poor and have him sober than having everything and dealing with his alcoholism. My children are safe. I just got word the son of a former neighbor of mine committed suicide last night. The horror of that kind of hurt residing in my heart for the rest of my life would kill me.
I started volunteering. My passion has always been music; so I volunteered at a cultural arts center near me, as well as eTown and the Denver Comic Con. Don't know what it will do, but I have to surround myself with what I love. The only thing missing is belly dance - due to my finances, I simply can't afford the classes I was involved in - and I miss it so much.
I pray. Maybe not constantly and my conscience tells me I should pray more when things are going my way rather than when I need something - but right now, I need God's grace to hold me up - because I'm having a heck of a time holding my head up on my own.
How did I get here? Why am I here? What does God have in store for me? This perpetual holding pattern my life has become is annoying the shit out of me. They say when you don't like something, then change it. How do I change my circumstances that have been set in motion by forces I have no control over - how do I change situations beyond my control?
I know, I know, I've heard it and I preach it - I can only worry about what I can control...so much easier said than done.
I worry...worry about how we'll manage, worry about how I'm going to give my girls what they need, worry I'll never see the remote possibility of a dream I haven't even discovered yet...
I started this blog about a year ago. A year ago I was excited then about what lie ahead of me (interesting word "lie" especially in this context). I was hoping then to figure out what I really want to do, I was excited about my prospects. Since then everything has fallen apart for me - I'm hopeless right now.
I had quit my job hoping to discover what I really wanted to do. At the time my husband had just taken an interim appointment as Chief of police. We were excited about what the future held for us.
In the course of a year, it feels like we've been beaten to a bloody pulp. The demands and stress of his job nearly took his life and ended our marriage. In his words "I hit bottom and started to dig". I have been without a job for over a year. The part time contract position I had held working for a software company did not work out, partly because my personal life had fallen apart, it also just didn't feel like the right fit for me. My husband is in the process of filing for disability, we are on the brink of financial ruin, I will be without health insurance shortly. This is the condensed version of course, so many other things have happened that I just can't discuss.
I'm usually one to find inspiration in words:
When one door closes another opens; always follow your dreams; things will work out; if you don't get what you prayed for it's because God is holding out the best for you.
I'm tired of the rhetoric...
It certainly no longer feels that way to me.
I don't like people who complain, and I'm trying hard to avoid that - but I have more days of wanting to give up than to wake up and fight through another day.
...it's not like having a bad day where the car won't start, I was late to work, I owe on my taxes, etc. - no, not stuff like that. What I'm talking about during the last year was infinitesimally difficult...in every way you can imagine. My husband's career went through the ringer - it ruined him - and us. I almost lost him. For good.
I'm faltering. Every last ounce of faith has been wiped out of me. I try to maintain my hope something good will happen, but....
I feel really old...I look it too, when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize the face I see. It troubles me so much...
So what to do. Well, I try to be thankful. Sometimes that works. I'm thankful for the sobriety my husband has maintained - almost 11 weeks. His drinking was compromising my happiness and our relationship - I know I would rather be dirt poor and have him sober than having everything and dealing with his alcoholism. My children are safe. I just got word the son of a former neighbor of mine committed suicide last night. The horror of that kind of hurt residing in my heart for the rest of my life would kill me.
I started volunteering. My passion has always been music; so I volunteered at a cultural arts center near me, as well as eTown and the Denver Comic Con. Don't know what it will do, but I have to surround myself with what I love. The only thing missing is belly dance - due to my finances, I simply can't afford the classes I was involved in - and I miss it so much.
I pray. Maybe not constantly and my conscience tells me I should pray more when things are going my way rather than when I need something - but right now, I need God's grace to hold me up - because I'm having a heck of a time holding my head up on my own.
How did I get here? Why am I here? What does God have in store for me? This perpetual holding pattern my life has become is annoying the shit out of me. They say when you don't like something, then change it. How do I change my circumstances that have been set in motion by forces I have no control over - how do I change situations beyond my control?
I know, I know, I've heard it and I preach it - I can only worry about what I can control...so much easier said than done.
I worry...worry about how we'll manage, worry about how I'm going to give my girls what they need, worry I'll never see the remote possibility of a dream I haven't even discovered yet...
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