There are things I wish I didn't know
Couples who are close, are carefully attuned to each other. You sense a mood shift before a word is spoken. I noticed, but didn't pay attention when he went outside to take the call, but I could sense the heaviness settling in his shoulders, see his head lowered, hear the tone of his voice. I couldn't put my finger on it, so subtle it was, but my gut felt it. I was working at my desk when he finally pulled me onto his lap to tell me. The body that was found, his worry over the mental well being of his officers that assisted in the search...
It's a double edged sword for me - I'm not only his wife, I'm his confidante. Which isn't an issue for me. As his wife, I expect him to be able to share with me, but sometimes, there are things I wish I didn't know....
Nearly a week ago, 10 year old Jessica Ridgeway went missing in Arvada. My husband has some of his officers assisting in the search. Sadly he would share details, what he felt he could anyway - as things developed and progressed....if anything I think it was his way of purging himself... sometimes there are things I wish I didn't know...
Coincidence, irony, or premonition, I don't know what to call it, but in the last month, I have had two incredibly disturbing dreams; I dreamt my oldest daughter had died. My own tears, because I was crying in my sleep, woke me up. The dread, agony and anguish I felt in my heart was simply unbearable and indescribable. Although it was still very early in the morning, I could not fall back to sleep.
To dream this once was unsettling to say the least, but to have the same dream within 3 weeks - frightening. I was deathly afraid this was a premonition - maybe it was, but not about my daughter, someone else's.
Both times, as I woke, a single thought was in my mind - "how can I possibly continue living without her?" Like an amputee without a limb - how could I possibly go on when a piece of my heart and soul has been ripped out of me...?
I can't imagine the horror of this actually happening to me - I don't want to. I could not spend the rest of my life living in that kind of hell. It's frightening to even fathom something like that. The world continues to spin, people go back to their daily lives, but I'm sure the world has come to a complete standstill for one family.
My hope is that she didn't suffer, that angels were there to carry her away before she was aware anything was happening to her. My heart absolutely breaks for the parents, because, even though it was only a dream, it was incredibly vivid, and, even though the feelings were simulated, I was able to very briefly experience what this would feel like....these are the things I wish I didn't know.
Already I'm seeing the posts on Facebook because of the press releases - the outrage, the persecution, how can someone do something like this....? - and I don't know why, but I can't share these sentiments. I can't feel this way because for me, I would be perpetuating the negativity and hatred this monster has imposed.
Is it a horrific and unjustifiable act...? Of Course it is. But my heart only feels sorrow over this tragedy. And this is not a sign of the times, so bemoaning something like this, doesn't help - nor does it mean that our world is worse for the wear - evil monsters like this have been present since the inception of our times, this has happened before, sadly it will happen again. My hope is to focus and garner all this energy and turn it into love and healing to be sent collectively to this grieving family. That we turn this grief into peace for the little girl whose life was cut short too soon. Giving validity to those feelings of hate, outrage and persecution, gives validity to the act itself. I don't want to give this killer credence for the act he committed. I suppose it makes me feel like we are giving power and potency to that evil that invaded our lives - I want to diminish that evil, take away it's strength - it's strength is fear. And I don't want to give it the control to seep its way into our lives.
This is a tragedy of the worst kind, but I know it's made all of us hold our children a little tighter, keep them a little closer to our sides, love them and appreciate them a little more. There is no word for this evil, it's here and it must be combated, and I believe together we already are. I have seen an amazing outpouring of support from so many: the volunteers willing to search, people offering to feed the volunteers, the thousands and thousands of people praying, supporting, hoping - it's united communities and neighbors - to be more vigilant, watchful, and wary - to keep an eye out for our most precious gifts, our children, our angels - whether they belong to you or not, whether you are a parent or not - we must all watch over them - so God willing - this doesn't happen again.
And Jessica - God bless you precious girl - I hope you are dancing with angels - you will always be the brightest star in heaven and your essence will shine for all eternity.
Music is my source of inspiration. I heard this song while my iPod played random songs, which is usually how it goes with me, and I felt peace through my sadness.
It's a double edged sword for me - I'm not only his wife, I'm his confidante. Which isn't an issue for me. As his wife, I expect him to be able to share with me, but sometimes, there are things I wish I didn't know....
Nearly a week ago, 10 year old Jessica Ridgeway went missing in Arvada. My husband has some of his officers assisting in the search. Sadly he would share details, what he felt he could anyway - as things developed and progressed....if anything I think it was his way of purging himself... sometimes there are things I wish I didn't know...
Coincidence, irony, or premonition, I don't know what to call it, but in the last month, I have had two incredibly disturbing dreams; I dreamt my oldest daughter had died. My own tears, because I was crying in my sleep, woke me up. The dread, agony and anguish I felt in my heart was simply unbearable and indescribable. Although it was still very early in the morning, I could not fall back to sleep.
To dream this once was unsettling to say the least, but to have the same dream within 3 weeks - frightening. I was deathly afraid this was a premonition - maybe it was, but not about my daughter, someone else's.
Both times, as I woke, a single thought was in my mind - "how can I possibly continue living without her?" Like an amputee without a limb - how could I possibly go on when a piece of my heart and soul has been ripped out of me...?
I can't imagine the horror of this actually happening to me - I don't want to. I could not spend the rest of my life living in that kind of hell. It's frightening to even fathom something like that. The world continues to spin, people go back to their daily lives, but I'm sure the world has come to a complete standstill for one family.
My hope is that she didn't suffer, that angels were there to carry her away before she was aware anything was happening to her. My heart absolutely breaks for the parents, because, even though it was only a dream, it was incredibly vivid, and, even though the feelings were simulated, I was able to very briefly experience what this would feel like....these are the things I wish I didn't know.
Already I'm seeing the posts on Facebook because of the press releases - the outrage, the persecution, how can someone do something like this....? - and I don't know why, but I can't share these sentiments. I can't feel this way because for me, I would be perpetuating the negativity and hatred this monster has imposed.
Is it a horrific and unjustifiable act...? Of Course it is. But my heart only feels sorrow over this tragedy. And this is not a sign of the times, so bemoaning something like this, doesn't help - nor does it mean that our world is worse for the wear - evil monsters like this have been present since the inception of our times, this has happened before, sadly it will happen again. My hope is to focus and garner all this energy and turn it into love and healing to be sent collectively to this grieving family. That we turn this grief into peace for the little girl whose life was cut short too soon. Giving validity to those feelings of hate, outrage and persecution, gives validity to the act itself. I don't want to give this killer credence for the act he committed. I suppose it makes me feel like we are giving power and potency to that evil that invaded our lives - I want to diminish that evil, take away it's strength - it's strength is fear. And I don't want to give it the control to seep its way into our lives.
This is a tragedy of the worst kind, but I know it's made all of us hold our children a little tighter, keep them a little closer to our sides, love them and appreciate them a little more. There is no word for this evil, it's here and it must be combated, and I believe together we already are. I have seen an amazing outpouring of support from so many: the volunteers willing to search, people offering to feed the volunteers, the thousands and thousands of people praying, supporting, hoping - it's united communities and neighbors - to be more vigilant, watchful, and wary - to keep an eye out for our most precious gifts, our children, our angels - whether they belong to you or not, whether you are a parent or not - we must all watch over them - so God willing - this doesn't happen again.
And Jessica - God bless you precious girl - I hope you are dancing with angels - you will always be the brightest star in heaven and your essence will shine for all eternity.
Music is my source of inspiration. I heard this song while my iPod played random songs, which is usually how it goes with me, and I felt peace through my sadness.
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