B is for Backward

B is for Backward...which in my mind, is a good  summation of how I felt growing up.  Everything about me was out of place, awkward, didn’t fit.  Nobody I knew in school had parents as old as mine - other kids often mistook my dad for my grandfather. I’ve always been on the heavy side, my clothes never fit right, my legs are thick and short; to this day I hate trying on pants. I just didn’t look like the other girls. I always felt out of place.  My parents were very sheltering and overprotective, and as a child I was inclined to be introverted and very shy - I never knew what to say to anybody - why would anyone be interested in what I had to say?  Most people are afraid of public speaking, put me in a room full of people I don’t know to socialize and make small talk can instigate just as much fear in me.  I just never felt like I fit in anywhere - so I tended to be a loner. The dynamics of my family attributed to this somewhat.  Being the youngest and the age difference between my siblings, pretty much fostered an only child environment. My parents were too old to play with or do anything with me really. I was often on my own, playing by myself, reading books, even go to the roller skating rink by myself.  I had a nephew and niece close to me in age, who I grew up with, but most of the time I was rather lonely actually.

But looking back, this is exactly what gives me my independent streak now.  I don’t have to surround myself with people to be happy. While I enjoy being in the company of a friend having a cup of coffee,  I can also be perfectly content on my own.  I took a trip to New York, alone, and I had the most magnificent time wandering around Manhattan by myself!  There is something so incredibly liberating about having that kind of freedom and independence. Now, I value the upbringing I received from my parents - I was raised like a Baby Boomer - not a Generation X’er like my fellow classmates - I tend to identify with people older than me more so than my own peers sometimes.  No my body is not perfect - it’s taken me thirty-some years to come to grip with this is what I’ve got. I’ll never have the body of a slender long-legged model, but I have a strong body, I was built for working, and it enabled me to shelter and nourish two babies. I still have trouble making small talk, but in high school I relished being on stage, whether I was playing the violin, or singing or acting in a show.  I think we grow into ourselves. If I can teach my daughters to realize, to know that there is no ‘mold’ they’re required to fit into - those pervasive ones we’e slammed with in the media - rather mold those things you love and cherish around you.  I don’t want them to feel ‘backward’ like I did; but to know you’re exactly the way you’re intended to be, idiosyncrasies and all, that strange and wonderful uniqueness that makes you, you.