Worthy
It was all over the news yesterday. Junior Seau committed suicide. Facebook posts abounded with the news. A friend of mine posted a picture of one red sad face amongst a sea of yellow smiley faces - the caption read “Suicide. The only way out” He modified it to relay information on a 1-800 number and a link to suicide prevention. Criticisms have followed on both sides - from those who don’t believe suicide is an answer, no matter how bad your life gets to understanding the depression that can lead to it.
I don’t know many people who don't, at some point in their lives, reach a place so dark that it feels like the only alternative out of it. I know I’ve been there. It’s when desperate sadness just overcomes you. Yes...I’ve been there. You either figure out how to deal with it, or you seek help for your depression. I was granted an opportunity to leave the mess I was living in.
There was a time in my life, about 4 years ago, where dying is all I thought of. I wanted so badly to escape the misery my life had become. Ask anyone who knew me then, I was the picture of happiness; happy marriage, happy family - utter bullshit. I had been married for 15 years at that point and I had two children. I wasn’t happy - I was neglected. Emotional abuse can be just as toxic as physical or mental abuse. I was broken and I didn’t know how to fix it, I felt trapped in a cage. I had no self-esteem, no self-worth, I had nothing. It was my dark place and I had no light to find my way out of it. I described it as feeling the noose around my neck, all I was waiting for was someone to kick the chair out from under my feet.
That didn’t happen...
A window opened. Right after the police searched our house and my ex-spouse was arrested. When I learned of the avarice he managed to accomplish and after listening to his stories I asked him to leave. It still took me 3 months to work up the courage to file for divorce. I didn’t read the arrest report until after our divorce was final - it confirmed what my subconscious always knew but my heart and head refused to acknowledge. Due to the charges, he lost his job and I was completely on my own to look after a house, pay bills, a mortgage and try to assuage the incredible anguish my girls were going through because I made their dad leave.
And that’s when that weight lifted off my shoulders. The cage was open and I felt free for the first time in I don’t know how long. I don’t share this because I want or need sympathy or validity. I’m not trying to drag my ex through the mud. That time in my life is over for me. I share this because I think it’s important. I do it to relate. Just like everybody else in this world, I’ve been through bad. My parents raised me not to share my troubles, keep them hidden, bury them, swallow your pain, pretend it’s ok. That’s not ok. If I can reach one person, to say, “I know, I understand. If you want to talk, I’ve been there too - you’ll be ok” then I’ll be satisfied with sharing my story. It’s not just about depression, it’s about knowing your worth too - knowing your happiness is worth something...and sometimes knowing our experiences are worth sharing with others.
I’m nothing special for it. I just want you to know, when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, my life took an incredible turn.
I am forever grateful for that day. The day the earth opened up under my feet and threatened to swallow me whole. The day God opened a window for me, slipped the noose off of my neck, helped me down from the chair and said, “Here’s your chance, take it now...” I bolted like I had nothing left to lose. I was already drowning, my life line came. It’s been a long slow process getting my ‘worth’ back, it’s not over, but I’m getting there.
I don’t know many people who don't, at some point in their lives, reach a place so dark that it feels like the only alternative out of it. I know I’ve been there. It’s when desperate sadness just overcomes you. Yes...I’ve been there. You either figure out how to deal with it, or you seek help for your depression. I was granted an opportunity to leave the mess I was living in.
There was a time in my life, about 4 years ago, where dying is all I thought of. I wanted so badly to escape the misery my life had become. Ask anyone who knew me then, I was the picture of happiness; happy marriage, happy family - utter bullshit. I had been married for 15 years at that point and I had two children. I wasn’t happy - I was neglected. Emotional abuse can be just as toxic as physical or mental abuse. I was broken and I didn’t know how to fix it, I felt trapped in a cage. I had no self-esteem, no self-worth, I had nothing. It was my dark place and I had no light to find my way out of it. I described it as feeling the noose around my neck, all I was waiting for was someone to kick the chair out from under my feet.
That didn’t happen...
A window opened. Right after the police searched our house and my ex-spouse was arrested. When I learned of the avarice he managed to accomplish and after listening to his stories I asked him to leave. It still took me 3 months to work up the courage to file for divorce. I didn’t read the arrest report until after our divorce was final - it confirmed what my subconscious always knew but my heart and head refused to acknowledge. Due to the charges, he lost his job and I was completely on my own to look after a house, pay bills, a mortgage and try to assuage the incredible anguish my girls were going through because I made their dad leave.
And that’s when that weight lifted off my shoulders. The cage was open and I felt free for the first time in I don’t know how long. I don’t share this because I want or need sympathy or validity. I’m not trying to drag my ex through the mud. That time in my life is over for me. I share this because I think it’s important. I do it to relate. Just like everybody else in this world, I’ve been through bad. My parents raised me not to share my troubles, keep them hidden, bury them, swallow your pain, pretend it’s ok. That’s not ok. If I can reach one person, to say, “I know, I understand. If you want to talk, I’ve been there too - you’ll be ok” then I’ll be satisfied with sharing my story. It’s not just about depression, it’s about knowing your worth too - knowing your happiness is worth something...and sometimes knowing our experiences are worth sharing with others.
I’m nothing special for it. I just want you to know, when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, my life took an incredible turn.
I am forever grateful for that day. The day the earth opened up under my feet and threatened to swallow me whole. The day God opened a window for me, slipped the noose off of my neck, helped me down from the chair and said, “Here’s your chance, take it now...” I bolted like I had nothing left to lose. I was already drowning, my life line came. It’s been a long slow process getting my ‘worth’ back, it’s not over, but I’m getting there.
Comments
Post a Comment