Weighing in....

What do I fear?  Irrationally - the scale.  Loathing is more like it.  I absolutely dread getting on it.  It betrays me, lets me down.  Really it shows I've let myself down.  I guess what it boils down to is I fear failure.  I fear not measuring up (no pun intended), I fear not being good enough.  The scale evokes all of those fears in the blink of an eye.  All of my flaws are laid bare for me to acknowledge and it makes me cringe inside.

I had to go to the doctor today because I’ve had issues with a bulging disc in my sacrum and they’re flaring up again.  I refuse to look at the numbers when I get weighed because I get discouraged way too easily.  Well I got a glimpse of those numbers today.  After 5 weeks of eating healthy i.e. 6 small meals, combination of proteins, carbs and vegetables...resulted in nothing. No change in my weight whatsoever. I don’t want to be placated, I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want advice - I just want to lose weight period.

Difficult as it is for me  to admit, and as horrible as this sounds I have a problem with being vain.  I have a problem with the way I look.  My weight has always been an issue for me, I have always been self-conscious of my body and my looks.  3 years ago I went through a pretty bad separation and divorce - I lost about 11 pounds in a month.  Obviously not the way to lose weight, but I liked where I was at - and was pretty proud I kept it off for a significant amount of time. Well inevitably, the weight came back on.  Now, I’m trying to lose the weight again, but healthily - and it’s not budging.  I was better off starving myself... I feel like a complete failure.  I’m frustrated, discouraged, and I want to crawl in a hole and not come out for awhile.

I’ve heard all of the rhetoric about curvy women and thin women - it doesn’t help me...not one bit...and I’ve heard it enough times I’m about to vomit.  I’ve tried to believe it and buy into it - I just can’t.  This is my problem I know.  You can think to yourself I must be pretty shallow to put so much into something so trivial - fine, maybe that’s my real problem. My issues go beyond just self-esteem, I was neglected and mistreated for a long time in my first marriage - those scars are embedded deeply, and apparently have left me indubitably damaged.  I hate the way I look.  I always have.  Right now I’m frustrated, I’m discouraged, I want to crawl in a hole and hide.  Obviously I still have issues I need to work out with my own self-esteem.  On a scale of 1 to 10 - some days I’m a five, on a good day I’m an 8.  Today I took a nose dive - I’m somewhere in the vicinity of negative numbers...Oh, some days the battles bring me down, today is one of those days....

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The girl in my head....

I started writing this blog roughly 6 years ago. I was looking to fill up some time as I just quit my job to support my husband who was promoted to Interim Chief of Police. Our lives were turned upside down when he took the position. Political controversy, lack of support from city government, lack of support from officers led my husband to clinical depression and almost caused him to lose his life, not to mention his career. I, in turn, sat by helpless. I was powerless to help him. At first I enabled the drinking. Then I got saddened by the drinking, until finally I got fed up with it and called 911 for his own safety. We've had a long recovery road since that day - February 6, 2013. I never finished this issue of my blog. Things must have fallen apart around this time. 6 years later, I've hit a bump in my life. A friend reached out to support me and suggested I return to writing. So, I returned to see where I left off. Upon reading my words, my heart filled with sorrow for ...
Read more

Submission, the Inner Goddess and other domestic ponderings

Ok, how did that song by Salt-n-Pepa go...? “Let’s talk about Sex...” yeah, so now you know what this blog will be about and you can safely opt out now. So - I was asked to join a reading group that’s reading “Fifty Shades of Grey”.  It’s been a long time since I’ve read any erotica, and I have to admit I wanted to know what all the fuss was about.  I’ll admit I’m barely half way through the first book, but I have to agree with my friend and fellow blogger Lisa, yes, the writing leaves a bit to be desired.  But the sex scenes...?  Oh my, yes.  One of our fellow group members wondered why this was receiving so much attention.  In my opinion, and no offense please, but there are a lot of repressed women out there, and this is opening up some doors - BIG time. I think most of all this book is wonderfully empowering.  And not because of the subject matter.  There is a lot more to it than just the BDSM, this is about a woman discovering not just he...
Read more

Vilified...

Fuck You... That's what I want to say to everyone... Fuck. You. I am absolutely furious of the comments swirling about after the last incident experienced by the police department my husband works for.  I'm so mad, I can't sleep at night, my hands and my entire body will visibly shake I am so angry - and I just can't seem to get past it. About two weeks ago, officers responded to a report of an aggressive "pit-bull" in the neighborhood.  This is a bone of contention for a lot of people because they insist the dog was not vicious OR aggressive because the caller interviewed on television insists he never said that. No one apparently listened to the 911 tapes aired after his interview. The called/respondent said "aggressive". Twice. He called the police. Twice. BOTH TIMES, he described the dog as "aggressive" Unfortunately, VERY unfortunately, officers had to put the dog down. My God, you would think he stole some kid's candy ...
Read more