Children
I would say the one thing that brings me fear, stops me dead in my tracks, heart pounding kind of fear...is the thought of losing my children.
And I’m not just talking about losing them in the final sense of the word, I also mean they’re gone, taken, forever to who knows what sort of fate. Working in the corrections industry for almost 17 years, and having a morbid fascination with serial killers and true crime stories, (the more harrowing, and stomach churning, the more I’m hooked), I’m terrified of someone taking my children away.
Realistically, I know this is unlikely - the dirty old man stalking children from his van waiting to lure them or take them away - is really the rarity in this world. However, it’s the one that gets sensationalized in the media the most. The reality is, your child is more likely to be perpetrated on by someone they know and trust. Either way, to imagine the horrors children of abuse have been through...it makes me ill...
When my daughter was a toddler, she had a habit of wandering off. I’m not exaggerating, and parents know exactly what I’m talking about - you literally turn your back for a second - and they’ve vanished! Usually over to the next aisle, or just strategically hidden from view. But those few seconds, bring abject terror and adrenaline pumping fear pulsing through my veins - I almost feel faint. Nothing is worse than when you can’t find your child anywhere - and my brain starts spinning what could have happened. After awhile, my daughter realized it was fun watching mom have a heart attack - she would purposefully take off - for whatever reason, she loved to push my buttons, and the more I exploded once I found her, the funnier it became for her. Eventually it got to the point that, I knew she was around...somewhere, and I usually found her. A couple of times I even hid from her, just so I could give her a taste of her own medicine. Sometimes it worked, but then she was back at it.
Going back even further - it amazes me how being a parent evolves you. I’ll never forget the day I brought her home from the hospital. I’ve never been so scared in my life. In hindsight, I realize that some of my fear stemmed from post-partem depression - however, I can remember thinking “Oh my God! I am responsible for this life - until the day I die. Every decision I make, everything I do, I have to put her first.” That kind of responsibility completely overwhelmed me. There is absolutely nothing that can prepare you for it. I know some moms are born for motherhood. Me? Probably not so much - but I learned, I adapted, now I literally cannot imagine what my life was like without my children. It strikes that primal button deep inside us - you feel you can move heaven and earth if it means the protection and well being of your child.
I remember reading an article about this love we have for our children, and I thought it was expressed so beautifully - it’s like diving into the deep end of the pool on a blistering hot summer day - the water surrounds you, it carries you - holds you suspended. As mothers I think it’s especially so. We are so intimate with that life we carry inside us - it’s a part of us, they are embedded in our soul - to lose a child, in any way, would be like have that piece of you ripped out. I’ve known people to lose a child and I cannot fathom the pain that encompasses. Worse still, I can’t imagine the pain of not knowing where your child is at. Are they being hurt, are they calling for you, wondering where you are. That’s a different pain entirely, to have that earth moving power stripped from you, to be unable to protect and care for your child and not knowing what fate they’re suffering somewhere...that would be my absolute worst nightmare....
And I’m not just talking about losing them in the final sense of the word, I also mean they’re gone, taken, forever to who knows what sort of fate. Working in the corrections industry for almost 17 years, and having a morbid fascination with serial killers and true crime stories, (the more harrowing, and stomach churning, the more I’m hooked), I’m terrified of someone taking my children away.
Realistically, I know this is unlikely - the dirty old man stalking children from his van waiting to lure them or take them away - is really the rarity in this world. However, it’s the one that gets sensationalized in the media the most. The reality is, your child is more likely to be perpetrated on by someone they know and trust. Either way, to imagine the horrors children of abuse have been through...it makes me ill...
When my daughter was a toddler, she had a habit of wandering off. I’m not exaggerating, and parents know exactly what I’m talking about - you literally turn your back for a second - and they’ve vanished! Usually over to the next aisle, or just strategically hidden from view. But those few seconds, bring abject terror and adrenaline pumping fear pulsing through my veins - I almost feel faint. Nothing is worse than when you can’t find your child anywhere - and my brain starts spinning what could have happened. After awhile, my daughter realized it was fun watching mom have a heart attack - she would purposefully take off - for whatever reason, she loved to push my buttons, and the more I exploded once I found her, the funnier it became for her. Eventually it got to the point that, I knew she was around...somewhere, and I usually found her. A couple of times I even hid from her, just so I could give her a taste of her own medicine. Sometimes it worked, but then she was back at it.
Going back even further - it amazes me how being a parent evolves you. I’ll never forget the day I brought her home from the hospital. I’ve never been so scared in my life. In hindsight, I realize that some of my fear stemmed from post-partem depression - however, I can remember thinking “Oh my God! I am responsible for this life - until the day I die. Every decision I make, everything I do, I have to put her first.” That kind of responsibility completely overwhelmed me. There is absolutely nothing that can prepare you for it. I know some moms are born for motherhood. Me? Probably not so much - but I learned, I adapted, now I literally cannot imagine what my life was like without my children. It strikes that primal button deep inside us - you feel you can move heaven and earth if it means the protection and well being of your child.
I remember reading an article about this love we have for our children, and I thought it was expressed so beautifully - it’s like diving into the deep end of the pool on a blistering hot summer day - the water surrounds you, it carries you - holds you suspended. As mothers I think it’s especially so. We are so intimate with that life we carry inside us - it’s a part of us, they are embedded in our soul - to lose a child, in any way, would be like have that piece of you ripped out. I’ve known people to lose a child and I cannot fathom the pain that encompasses. Worse still, I can’t imagine the pain of not knowing where your child is at. Are they being hurt, are they calling for you, wondering where you are. That’s a different pain entirely, to have that earth moving power stripped from you, to be unable to protect and care for your child and not knowing what fate they’re suffering somewhere...that would be my absolute worst nightmare....
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