Fear and loathing on the homefront
Driving. I’m horrible at it. Okay, not horrible exactly, I just get distracted easily. With that being said...I’m awesome at directions and finding places. No Tom-Tom or GPS in my car - hell no - I’m a map and street grid kind of gal, and proud of it.
With that being said, for the first time in my life I’m totally lost...and I’m scared. There, it’s out there, now I have to deal with it.
I quit my job recently after too many years of being unhappy and going nowhere. It was a good job, however, I was no longer challenged, and my boss and I...? Well, let’s just say we had our differences in some respects. I had been unhappy for awhile and finally reconciled with myself (and my husband after having a meltdown one weekend) that if I want things to change, I’ve got to do it myself. I must say, making that decision was one of the most liberating and empowering things I’ve ever done. However...I did not have a back up plan. I had nothing waiting for me.
I’m happy to say, I have absolutely no regrets about my decision, but my unemployment status nags at me constantly. I made this decision knowing that in the past, I have always managed; things just seem to work out for me. I knew I was following my gut instincts, and so far in my life, they haven’t let me down. The financial situation scares me. Even though my husband has a really good job and a great salary, right now, he’s paying off his own debts. So - we’re not exactly making bank here. I’m fortunate that I’ve had my retirement and other sources of income to at least pay some things off. But, financially, I probably won’t exhale until I see what the next few months has in store for us.
I feel tremendous guilt and yes, resentment, because I’m dependent on my husband. I have always worked - since I was 14. I like having my own money to do with what I want. Whether it’s splurging on my girls, or going out with friends, or having the ability to make that once in a blue moon extravagant purchase of something really lovely for myself. Having to rely on my husband for money just cuts me to the quick. I. Hate. It. My parents, (my dad in particular) had a hard and fast rule about borrowing or not accepting anything given to you. It has been the most incredibly difficult thing for me to come to grips with. Although, my husband doesn’t look at it that way at all. From his perspective, this is our life, what’s mine is yours kind of a deal. He’s rather old fashioned, (which I really do like, I’m the same in many ways), is thrilled to have me home and he likes being the breadwinner - but this situation holds my independence hostage and that kills me.
This is new for me. I went to college, got my Bachelor’s degree, had a career for almost 17 years. Now...(and please, no offense) I’m just a “housewife”....(God you have no idea how hard it is to refer to myself that way). Although my days are busy and always fly by, I’m feeling like I should be doing more. I should be contributing, I should be paying for something, there should be more to it than this. I also feel I don’t deserve this. To have the ability to stay home, when I know so many women, who work full time, AND do the cooking and cleaning and child rearing. When I think of them (HELLO! That was me not too long ago), and consider that I have it so easy right now - to me, that just isn't fair. I shouldn’t have it good or easy...I feel somehow, I’ve been let off the hook. What makes me so special when so many other women have to work? I know I sound like a broken record...but, I don’t believe I deserve this...
Yeah, I suppose you could say I have psychotic tendencies...or it’s just all that good old fashioned Catholic guilt I was raised with - you know, if you’re happy, you must be doing something bad.
When I quit, I was so excited, thinking “how many people actually get an opportunity to figure out what they want to do?” This piece still excites me....BUT - I have absolutely no fucking clue what I want to do or where I want to be. I have been job searching, but nothing appeals to me...and that was kind of the whole point, to try and find out what I really want to do and preferably something from home. It’s not easy - I guess maybe I can’t have it both ways, so I’m still figuring that piece out. One thing I have figured out, I never knew I liked to write, Facebook helped me come to that conclusion. And now that I’ve started blogging...well, we’ll see where this leads.
I’m realizing just how much of my identity was tied to my career, to working, to being independent. I have none of that now, so I’m feeling horribly, and terrifyingly lost...and alone. Time to dust off that internal map and get busy - I’m just hoping and praying I go in the right direction.
With that being said, for the first time in my life I’m totally lost...and I’m scared. There, it’s out there, now I have to deal with it.
I quit my job recently after too many years of being unhappy and going nowhere. It was a good job, however, I was no longer challenged, and my boss and I...? Well, let’s just say we had our differences in some respects. I had been unhappy for awhile and finally reconciled with myself (and my husband after having a meltdown one weekend) that if I want things to change, I’ve got to do it myself. I must say, making that decision was one of the most liberating and empowering things I’ve ever done. However...I did not have a back up plan. I had nothing waiting for me.
I’m happy to say, I have absolutely no regrets about my decision, but my unemployment status nags at me constantly. I made this decision knowing that in the past, I have always managed; things just seem to work out for me. I knew I was following my gut instincts, and so far in my life, they haven’t let me down. The financial situation scares me. Even though my husband has a really good job and a great salary, right now, he’s paying off his own debts. So - we’re not exactly making bank here. I’m fortunate that I’ve had my retirement and other sources of income to at least pay some things off. But, financially, I probably won’t exhale until I see what the next few months has in store for us.
I feel tremendous guilt and yes, resentment, because I’m dependent on my husband. I have always worked - since I was 14. I like having my own money to do with what I want. Whether it’s splurging on my girls, or going out with friends, or having the ability to make that once in a blue moon extravagant purchase of something really lovely for myself. Having to rely on my husband for money just cuts me to the quick. I. Hate. It. My parents, (my dad in particular) had a hard and fast rule about borrowing or not accepting anything given to you. It has been the most incredibly difficult thing for me to come to grips with. Although, my husband doesn’t look at it that way at all. From his perspective, this is our life, what’s mine is yours kind of a deal. He’s rather old fashioned, (which I really do like, I’m the same in many ways), is thrilled to have me home and he likes being the breadwinner - but this situation holds my independence hostage and that kills me.
This is new for me. I went to college, got my Bachelor’s degree, had a career for almost 17 years. Now...(and please, no offense) I’m just a “housewife”....(God you have no idea how hard it is to refer to myself that way). Although my days are busy and always fly by, I’m feeling like I should be doing more. I should be contributing, I should be paying for something, there should be more to it than this. I also feel I don’t deserve this. To have the ability to stay home, when I know so many women, who work full time, AND do the cooking and cleaning and child rearing. When I think of them (HELLO! That was me not too long ago), and consider that I have it so easy right now - to me, that just isn't fair. I shouldn’t have it good or easy...I feel somehow, I’ve been let off the hook. What makes me so special when so many other women have to work? I know I sound like a broken record...but, I don’t believe I deserve this...
Yeah, I suppose you could say I have psychotic tendencies...or it’s just all that good old fashioned Catholic guilt I was raised with - you know, if you’re happy, you must be doing something bad.
When I quit, I was so excited, thinking “how many people actually get an opportunity to figure out what they want to do?” This piece still excites me....BUT - I have absolutely no fucking clue what I want to do or where I want to be. I have been job searching, but nothing appeals to me...and that was kind of the whole point, to try and find out what I really want to do and preferably something from home. It’s not easy - I guess maybe I can’t have it both ways, so I’m still figuring that piece out. One thing I have figured out, I never knew I liked to write, Facebook helped me come to that conclusion. And now that I’ve started blogging...well, we’ll see where this leads.
I’m realizing just how much of my identity was tied to my career, to working, to being independent. I have none of that now, so I’m feeling horribly, and terrifyingly lost...and alone. Time to dust off that internal map and get busy - I’m just hoping and praying I go in the right direction.
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ReplyDeleteI do not doubt at all, that you are going in the right direction, just give yourself a break and do not be so hard on yourself!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kristie - you say your gut instincts are usually right. Give yourself some time to breathe, relax, and enjoy this space that you've created for yourself. Stop looking so hard for it, and what you are trying to find will show itself. Sometimes those damn trees get in the way and you can't see that forest in front of you.
ReplyDelete