Salvaging and Salvation

My husband just threw his phone across the room... It took him a few minutes to compose himself - before he calmed down enough to tell me.  An Englewood Police Officer, doing a routine traffic stop was struck by a drunk driver while conducting road side maneuvers yesterday during the Memorial Day holiday.  He was taken off life support today and succumbed to his injuries.  He had told me about this officer earlier today, but we only learned of his passing a few minutes ago. My husband and I were out driving to the grocery store, and I became lost in thought about my husband and the other officers he’s worked with over the years and the relationships that must develop in this type of career.  I could only imagine the bonds that are forged, when you are on the streets day after day; day in day out not knowing the risks you’ll encounter during your shift.  It doesn’t even matter if you worked with the officer or not, you know what it’s like every time you go on...

It’s been some time since I’ve written on my blog, but I’ve been wanting to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) about this for sometime.  In this maze I’ve been stuck in since quitting my job, more, and more, I think of the women I have descended from. I love history, almost any type of history, and I’ve done some genealogical research on my own family that usually leads to dead ends; in part because of my heritage which is a combination of Native American and Hispanic.  The Native American piece is difficult to track, because no one in my family seems to know from what tribe these women came from - speculation lends to the belief they were victims of kidnapping by Spaniards that settled in the southern part of Colorado in the late 18th and early 19th century. I don’t come from Mexico, no one in my family does, I can trace my heritage to Colorado about 5 generations, while it was still a territory.  I do know that Spaniards settled in the southern part of the Unit...

My love knows no bounds with this entity that has the capacity to fill me from head to toe. Undoubtedly, if anything inspires, moves, and touches me - it’s music.  The composition of all music, no matter what genre, is comprised of 7 basic notes, that’s all.  Played natural, sharp, or flat, the combination of these notes is infinitesimal - it never sounds the same - I think that is utterly and fantastically amazing. Some of my earliest memories revolve around it, playing in my sister’s room while she played The Eagles, the Doobie Brothers and Linda Ronstadt.  Riding with my brother in his car while he listened to 50’s classics.  Singing was my favorite thing to do as a child.  Then taking up the violin when I was 10.  My father and his brothers all played musical instruments, so I like to believe the inclination was bred in me. It can motivate me during a workout, make me push a little harder.  My body will naturally start to move to practical...

It rocks your world.  I know most everybody out there has flown on a plane before, and experienced turbulence...it’s kind of freaky.  You’re thousands of feet up in the air and and not sure if what you’re experiencing is normal, whether there’s a malfunction with the plane, of if you’re about to go down in flames... Right now my life feels like it’s in a perpetual state of turbulence.  But...isn’t that how our lives go most of the time anyway?  You’ve got your passengers that react (or overreact) with paranoia, extreme fear, there are people who refuse to fly because of it.  I’ve seen people sleep through turbulence, all is right with their world.  I’m sure you see where I’m going with this analogy between flying and living this chaotic mess we know as life. How do you handle your turbulence?  Does it depend on your circumstances, your own coping mechanisms.  What makes some people absolutely freak out about the most minor contrivances, and ot...

My daughter is 15.  Almost 15 and a half.  Ok she’s 15 years, 3 months and 22 days old.  And I’m having a hard time letting her go. Another pet peeve of mine.  People who keep remarking how fast time is flying.  Duh.  It’s supposed to.   That’s what time does, it’s called the natural order of the universe.  I was never one to bemoan watching my kids grow up, that’s what they’re supposed to do.  And honestly, my daughter has been in a sort of depression since her dad and I split up.  Then, she wound up with a benign tumor on her skull the following year.  To add fuel to the fire, when she was 13, I could no longer afford the tuition at the parochial school she’s been attending since kindergarten.  So she got her first taste of real world social girl cattiness in the 8th grade - her first time attending a public school - knocked her on her ass it did. She’s had enough put on her plate these past few years. I’ve noticed she ha...

What do I fear?  Irrationally - the scale.  Loathing is more like it.  I absolutely dread getting on it.  It betrays me, lets me down.  Really it shows I've let myself down.  I guess what it boils down to is I fear failure.  I fear not measuring up (no pun intended), I fear not being good enough.  The scale evokes all of those fears in the blink of an eye.  All of my flaws are laid bare for me to acknowledge and it makes me cringe inside. I had to go to the doctor today because I’ve had issues with a bulging disc in my sacrum and they’re flaring up again.  I refuse to look at the numbers when I get weighed because I get discouraged way too easily.  Well I got a glimpse of those numbers today.  After 5 weeks of eating healthy i.e. 6 small meals, combination of proteins, carbs and vegetables...resulted in nothing. No change in my weight whatsoever. I don’t want to be placated, I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want advice - I just...

It was all over the news yesterday. Junior Seau committed suicide. Facebook posts abounded with the news. A friend of mine posted a picture of one red sad face amongst a sea of yellow smiley faces - the caption read “Suicide. The only way out” He modified it to relay information on a 1-800 number and a link to suicide prevention. Criticisms have followed on both sides - from those who don’t believe suicide is an answer, no matter how bad your life gets to understanding the depression that can lead to it. I don’t know many people who don't, at some point in their lives, reach a place so dark that it feels like the only alternative out of it.  I know I’ve been there.  It’s when desperate sadness just overcomes you.  Yes...I’ve been there.  You either figure out how to deal with it, or you seek help for your depression.  I was granted an opportunity to leave the mess I was living in. There was a time in my life, about 4 years ago, where dying is all I thought o...

I would say the one thing that brings me fear, stops me dead in my tracks, heart pounding kind of fear...is the thought of losing my children. And I’m not just talking about losing them in the final sense of the word, I also mean they’re gone, taken, forever to who knows what sort of fate. Working in the corrections industry for almost 17 years, and having a morbid fascination with serial killers and true crime stories, (the more harrowing, and stomach churning, the more I’m hooked), I’m terrified of someone taking my children away. Realistically, I know this is unlikely - the dirty old man stalking children from his van waiting to lure them or take them away - is really the rarity in this world.  However, it’s the one that gets sensationalized in the media the most.  The reality is, your child is more likely to be perpetrated on by someone they know and trust.  Either way, to imagine the horrors children of abuse have been through...it makes me ill... When my daugh...

Driving.  I’m horrible at it. Okay, not horrible exactly, I just get distracted easily.  With that being said...I’m  awesome at directions and finding places.  No Tom-Tom or GPS in my car - hell no - I’m a map and street grid kind of gal, and proud of it. With that being said, for the first time in my life I’m totally lost...and I’m scared. There, it’s out there, now I have to deal with it. I quit my job recently after too many years of being unhappy and going nowhere.  It was a good job, however, I was no longer challenged, and my boss and I...? Well, let’s just say we had our differences in some respects.  I had been unhappy for awhile and finally reconciled with myself (and my husband after having a meltdown one weekend) that if I want things to change, I’ve got to do it myself.  I must say, making that decision was one of the most liberating and empowering things I’ve ever done.  However...I did not have a back up plan.  I had nothing...